Dubai Life: Culture Shock - 3 Months

Yep, we still live in the Middle East. 

Sometimes I catch myself repeating that phrase in my head.  There's a complex mix of emotions tied to it, some of which I'll try and divulge here.  Again, this post is incredibly long.

First off -- I'm fiiiine.  My first post on culture shock was blunt, and sad, and probably written at the lowest point of this journey thus far.  It's been about 8 weeks since then, and I can honestly say it's gotten a little bit better with every passing week.  It's still all very true, but much less tragic than it felt 8 weeks ago.

And second, I want to clarify from my last post that the source of all my workaholic angst is me.  It's not the job, it's me.  No one at work told me I had to devote my entire life to it, or that I should abandon my hobbies, or stop making friends, or anything like that.  (Especially not my most recent company, which was incredibly social.)  What I've always *known* about myself but pushed to the back of my mind at various times of my life, was how susceptible I am to the concept of striving to be great at something.  Even if that something isn't what makes me happy, I still want to be good at it.  So yeah, it's complicated.

But back to the topic of culture shock.  For me, there are two components: 
1)  not understanding how to "do life" out here, and 
2)  having LOTS of free time and not knowing what to do with it (which was mostly what the previous post was about).

How to "do life" in Dubai
Honestly, we're still figuring this out but I feel like we've come a long way.  Far enough that we're just starting to really enjoy ourselves...finally.  Everything (and I mean everything) works differently here and the only thing you can do is learn via trial and error, every single day.  And I'm not even talking about culture -- just the physical acts of taking care of your house, buying the things you need, and getting through the day.  
It can be little things like going to 5 different stores to find one permanent marker - so simple but so hard! Or, learning that most stores have rotating inventories so the food, household item, dog toy, etc. that you bought last month is by no means guaranteed to be found this month (or ever again).  Or, my recent favorite - that Ziploc brand bags really are the best, and worth driving all the way across town for.  Especially if you're like me and you like to put stuff in them and shake shake shake.  So many meals have exploded all over my shirt, counter top, and kitchen floor.  
But we're also learning bigger things like that our giant water holding tank is supposed to be disinfected every 6-12 months (who knew?), and that when we hire someone to do it they bring a small and wiry person who crawls inside and scrubs every inch by hand (a very humbling thing to witness).  Or, that the Dubai police can give you a traffic ticket without pulling your over.  You get a nifty little text message that tells you all about it.  (It's fine, we totally deserved it.)  Or, that our water pressure pump can mysteriously be turned off by who knows what/whom because it's in your open-to-the-public carport (this happened today), and then your water doesn't work and you have no idea why so you spend all afternoon and call 4-5 people and schedule 2 appointments to figure it out.  After you resign yourself to getting through the next 24 hours without water, your gardener comes over (carrying a lawnmower on his bicycle no less), flips a switch and 'voila!' it works again.  

Sometimes (i.e. oftentimes), the things we don't know leave us feeling really stupid.  There isn't anything wrong with Dubai, we just never learned this stuff in the 30+ years of being Americans.  But with each new experience/lesson we're trying to remember everything so that next time, we'll know.  And so far, that's been good; easier.  I've also noticed that we're getting better at the whole marriage-teamwork-communication thing, because we have to in order to accomplish the simplest tasks here.  It's a good thing, a silver-lining.

How to fill all that "free time"
The universe has a funny way of coming full circle.  Not even a year ago, I was complaining to Steve about my lack of free time.  With all the hours I put into work, and cooking, and cleaning, and running errands, and other blah tasks to keep our life up and running, I felt bereft of any free time.  And now, here I sit with so much free time that it's driving me insane.  How appropriate.
My last culture shock post danced around it, but the real heart of the issue is this - I've spent a decade building only one part of my life.  And now that part is not enough.  I'm ready to cultivate the rest of my life and in doing so I'm asking myself hard questions about who I really am, what I want in life, and what I'm willing to sacrifice.  Those are questions I'm still working through, and I expect will consume some part of my thoughts for the remainder of my life.  

But for now - over the course of the last 8 weeks and today - I have been remembering how to be something other than an office-bot.  I continue to take pleasure in the kitchen, and have learned a couple new tricks.  I can now ferment my own kimchi, make English muffins from scratch, create a plethora of fusion tacos, and send Steven to work with delicious onigirazu for lunch. I've also perfected making margaritas from scratch (even the sweet and sour mix!), and learned that I should never ever have more than 2 big ones.  I'm still trying to master our favorite Thai dishes and Tom Kha Gai and Yum Nua are at the top of the list.  

This is exactly how we do it.  I'm the one in black.

I've also spent a ton of time reading.  It's an old friend that I haven't paid attention to for a while, mostly because I couldn't handle any more screen time/staring at more text.  But now that my day includes a lot less data-staring, I've been soaking up all the glorious words.  In the last 8 weeks I've embraced the site Goodreads as a source of new book leads (please tell me if you have other sites/sources for book leads) and have become an active user of my various library memberships.  I've read nearly a dozen books so far and rekindled my love for the Economist.  It feels good.  

And of course, for us there is always travel.  Steven and I are embracing travel as a means of coping.  And really, it's one of the best perks of being over here - everything is so much closer than it was before.  And yes, we could just be distracting ourselves by introducing new and fresh places, but right now we're okay with this.  We're having a blast.

In all, getting over culture shock is still an ongoing (but much smoother) process.  I think I'll adjust to the nuances of Dubai and the culture far sooner than I'll be able to answer the "what is your life worth" question.  But several years ago I read a graduation speech by Anna Quindlen, and the words have stayed with (i.e. haunted) me ever since. These snippets in particular seem especially relevant today:

"You cannot be really first-rate at your work if your work is all you are.  So I suppose the best piece of advice I could give anyone is pretty simple: get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you’d care so very much about those things if you developed an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast while in the shower?"

"It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes." 
"It is so easy to exist instead of live. Unless you know there is a clock ticking."

"You are the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on the bus, or in the car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account, but your soul."

"All of us want to do well. But if we do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough."

So that's the deal.  I'm aware of the ticking clock and the fact that I won't live - much less be young - forever.  (Calm down, nothing is wrong.  I'm just getting old.)  These thoughts have been brewing for a while, but moving to Dubai has pushed me into this headspace sooner than I would have meandered in my old life.  Now that I'm here, I'm taking a good hard look at myself and what I've created as my adult life.  There are areas I'd like to change, so I'm working on it.  And, thank goodness, there are also plenty of areas I'm exceptionally happy with and proud of, for which I'm grateful.

Sven's camera skills.

Abu Dhabi Life: 2 months

It's been 2 months (+/- a few days) since I moved back to the UAE to be with Steven. In all, we spent 18 months/569 days living apart and even though we're not strangers to long distance, neither one of us is keen on doing it again anytime soon. This was our 4th bout of long distance in the last ~10 years and I don't know if it was the specific circumstances, our old(er) age, how much closer/more bonded we were after winging it in Dubai the previous year, or just the longer length of time - but it was the pits. So we're not going to be doing that again for a long while, hopefully ever.

But happily, the time here has flown by really quickly. I'm not even sure where to start with this post but I'm just going to posit that I have only trace amounts of culture shock this time around.

Steven isn't here right now so he can't disagree with that last statement.

I've been sitting here patiently expecting to feel the familiar WTF IS THIS culture shock/chaos that was rampant last time. But it hasn't really shown up and I'm not sure if it's just a delayed start, or if re-entry is just going to be smoother. When I think about it though, it makes sense that this time would be easier.

A quick recap since I know my posts have been sporadic and a little thin on details for a while: When we first moved to Dubai a couple years ago, every circumstance was more difficult (see here if you missed my long and emotional rants). We were new to the UAE and didn't know how anything worked or what to expect, which made it feel me really unstable. And our first house/villa didn't feel like a comfortable place since it was either almost empty (in the beginning), flooded (okay, that was just for a few hours), without running water (three separate times!), etc.  And it didn't help that we were also trying to sell our Gig Harbor house, a bit anti-social, and I was a ball of pure stress (that's just how I get sometimes). 

A day in the life (sometimes).

So it was kind of doomed to be difficult. But even so, it was still a great experience and the closeness that Sven and I achieved is the stuff (my) dreams are made of. Plus, the travel opportunities were pretty great. But I really felt like I had unfinished business in my work/my professional life, and it haunted me enough that I decided to move back to the states alone. I ended up regretting that solo move about 6 months in, but c'est la vie. We had committed to meeting some goals together and at that point it didn't make sense not to see it through. And once those goals were met, it didn't make sense to be apart.  But instead of Steven moving back to the US to join me, we changed our minds and I came back to the UAE instead.

And now I'm back here, this time in Abu Dhabi rather than Dubai. So far everything is the same in terms of what I remember of the culture, the weather, the rules, expat life, etc. But this time I feel very different - probably because Sven and I are in a different place in our marriage/life. I'm sure it also helps that we're in more comfortable digs and Steven has become so knowledgeable about how things work here. But I also think the time apart changed our perspectives and deepened our appreciation for one another in a way that's hopefully lasting.  It's really cheesy but I wake every morning grateful we get to be together this day and the next, without a plane to catch that'll take us one of us a world away. And while that feeling might eventually fade and be replaced by the mundane everyday rituals, for now the warm and fuzzy feeling still permeates my everyday. So in the present it's hard to get worked up about a non-working toilet, slightly too-warm rooms, or two flat tires in 2 weeks (yep, that happened).  Well, hard for me to get worked up - Steve is his own person.  ;)

He especially loves when I say this in response to one of those issues.

All joking aside though, I'm really content with where I am right now. I didn't end up bringing my job with me (last minute wrench), but I'm pretty pleased with how things worked out anyway. My days now are much slower paced and most of the time nothing very exciting is happening. I'm just a housewife (according to my visa), cooking up a storm, reading a bunch of books, and filling herself back up with all the things she once wanted to do/be/embody. It's boring but awesome and grounding in a way I can't quite describe yet. With each passing day I can feel the angst, the pressure, the competition, and the stress fading away as I slowly replace it with all the things I love and still want to embrace in the years to come. One day, one meal, one book, and one decision at a time.

I don't know what the upcoming months and years have in store, but that's okay because it no longer eats at me. And that, my dear ones, is the point.

Because Dubai

The big news around here is that Steve, Phoebe, and I are moving from Washington state to Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates. It's a big move and we're really excited (once we get past the incredibly long to-do list) but we've also received a lot of questions. So here are the answers to the 3 most common questions we've been asked.

Why Dubai?
Most of you know us well enough to ask "Why this particular place?" instead of "Why move?" It took us 6 months of careful consideration and 1 test vacation to finally decide, but here are the main reasons we said YES:

• Travel opportunities - when it comes to vacations we're constantly lamenting on how far the rest of the world is. We want to go/see/experience so many things on "the other side" but sitting on a plane for 16 hours and spending $3,000 on airfare makes a major dent in our wallets and schedules (we're such whiners, I know). The solution, of course, is to live on the other side. Long weekends in the Greek Isles or Goa - yes please!
• Career opportunities - Steve and I work in drastically different industries and finding a place where each of us can thrive professionally is often tricky. Dubai has great opportunities for both our career fields, so it was an easy decision on the work-front.
• Phoebe makes 3 - Phoebe can travel to Dubai and there is no quarantine requirement. She is a fully fledged member of our family, so we'd never choose to go anywhere that she couldn't. Facilities are definitely different for dogs there (lots of indoor activities) but she's already stoked about the world's largest indoor dog park and pool (seriously, check this out).
• Adventures!  We want more (end of story).

Is it Safe?
This answer varies a lot depending on who you ask, but the simple answer for us is yes, Dubai is safe enough. (And no, our parents don't necessarily agree with us on that.) Here's how Steve and I broke it down for ourselves:

• Safety within the UAE for day-to-day living: Overall it seems safer than most of the places we've lived in the US. We used a ton of security reports and safety alerts published by the US State Department, US Bureau of Diplomatic Affairs, UK's Foreign Office, Australia's Dept of Foreign Affairs and Trade, etc. and read through the last 5 years (here's a 2015 example).  Most of them said the same thing:
1. violent crime, DUI, and drug offence rates are extremely small (with a strict zero-tolerance policy on the last two),
2. police services are adequate and accessible, and
3. modern health care and emergency services are widely available.
• Safety from political violence, civil unrest, and/or terrorist attacks: Most safety reports assessed the risk of political violence or civil unrest as quite low. But considering the the UAE's location in the Middle East, the possibility of a terrorist attack can't be ruled out. The general risk level is anywhere from low to medium. This is similar to the risk level in most major cities in the US (and now Europe) so it isn't necessarily "less safe" than what we're already used to. We felt comfortable with this risk level considering that most sources also rank the UAE government as pretty darn good when it comes to preventing, catching, and stopping criminal and terrorist related activities.

Are you worried about culture shock (especially for Heather)?
We both expect some mild to moderate culture shock but aren't too worried about it. We've moved several times and our daily lives are generally the same no matter where we live. Things like going to work, eating most of our meals at home, working out, dance parties in the kitchen, and watching movies on Netflix are similar everywhere. Of course, there will be some changes to the way we do those things, but more or less we'll still do them. It also helps that English is commonly spoken throughout Dubai, we can both drive cars, and I don't have to wear a headscarf or change my clothing style.

Ironically, Dubai remind us a lot of our hometown Las Vegas. When we were visiting Abu Dhabi and Dubai last August, Steve and I laughed over how we've spent the last decade trying to be anywhere except Las Vegas, only to find ourselves drawn to the super-sized version. But that's life, right?

And I'm just gonna drop this awesome list about the "24 Stages of Moving to Dubai." I haven't even moved there yet and this is me all day long.

Culture Shock: 1 Month

Warning: this one is long, messy, and serious.

Culture shock - oh yeah, I've got it. I would say it's moderate and I definitely admit to getting frustrated and shedding some tears like, once a week (apparently that's how I deal).  To be fair it's not entirely specific to Dubai, and more about how I turned my entire life upside-down rather quickly.  It's hard to describe what it feels like but being a big empty house (no furniture) with the entire day ahead of me, nowhere to go (no driver's license or car yet), nothing interesting to do (no job and as happy as I am with the new washer, washing clothes is not very interesting), and no one to share it with (Steve's at work and PB's conversation is limited) has been challenging.  But if we're being honest, it's mostly because I'm not working.

But why?  Even before we moved I started asking myself what the point of my days were and whether I was living a full life.  I've spent the last ~10 years diligently cultivating my professional identity, to the point where I thought it was the same as my personal identity.  I spent 75-80% of my waking hours working (or doing work-related things), and the rest of my time trying to recover from it just so I could do it again.  I didn't really pursue hobbies, I haven't tried to make new friends since LA (although I am extremely grateful for the few I have made by accident), I wasn't consistently exercising, and I pretty much stopped learning new things unless they were related to work.  The only non-work things I devoted any effort to were Sven and Phoebe, and if we're being really honest I think they got the remnants of my day, not the best of it.  It was a dangerous mistake to make, but it seems so familiar to many of us.  And because I was successful at work, I let myself believe that I was living well.

But was I really?

Now that work is on hiatus, what am I left with?  Who am I, and what can I do (or know or offer) that isn't related to sitting in an office for 10+ hours a day?  The cold hard truth - not as much as I'd hoped.

So that's why it's been so hard.  I voluntarily turned myself into an empty shell-of-a-person (okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic) and now I have to put in the work to make myself whole again.  And sometimes that's scary...I feel so untethered in a new and unfamiliar way that really has nothing to do with location.  But then I remember we are in Dubai (OMG!), and why, and it helps ground my inner panic.  I'm still committed to the reasons we made this life change.  This break is necessary for me, and comes at the perfect time (and really the only time) to re-center myself, get back to healthy, and break the stress cycle.  (Haha, but first lemme stress about not being able to de-stress!)  There are interests and pursuits I've wanted to explore for so long, but never made the time because I always worked more instead.  And now they're just sitting there waiting for me...I just have to choose to pick them up.

So this is my new reality.  I'm going to experience, and learn, and explore things just because I like them, and keep my boundaries growing.  I'll stop reading job descriptions every day that say "Must be willing to work beyond normal hours and work well in challenging circumstances with strong personalities."  That's the same kind of thinking that got me here.  (Today is day 1 for that count.)  I'll go to the gym and sweat off 10 years of desk-life.  Read a fiction book just to enjoy the story.  Take Phoebe somewhere she can play like the crazy she is (because she needs it, too).  Learn all that stuff I've always been curious about, just because I'm interested enough.  Embrace my inner grandma and make a quilt.

And in my moments of self-doubt, it's helpful to know we're not the only ones who think this upheaval is worth it.  And that even the people I admire have struggled to rekindle their non-professional identities.  My friend Jon, recently wrote this about his own 6-month break, and it was exactly what I need to hear/read:

Over the last 6 months, I have been enjoying an incredible luxury. The luxury of time and space to learn about myself. 

...

Of course, there were times when it was all still incredibly scary. It’s amazing how much of your professional identity imprints onto your personal identity. Without that piece present, it can be very easy to get lost and feel defeated.

...

I now find myself feeling incredibly excited about the present. We have decided to take on a grand experiment. To continue spending more time in new places and trying new passions. To learn more about ourselves and the world around us. To continue to live unconventionally. To become location independent. We are embracing the fact that technology allows for miraculous situations these days.

And so, I'm feeling inspired and starting a new chapter.  I call it "making myself well-rounded again" but my ever-candid and eloquently gifted husband might call it "time to fix yo' self."  

What I do

What Steve says

What Steve really wants to say

Yep

Checking in - I'm still alive

I'm still alive...just not particularly motivated to do much of anything these days, including blogging.  I know that's basically what I say in all my posts lately, but meh.

A couple of you have sent messages asking if I'm still alive/okay/above water.  And the short answer is yes.  But it depends on how much you want to know, and whether you really mean the question you're asking.  Since we're all friends here (and I don't think I can or want to explain this more than a couple times), I'm just going to come right out with it.

A big part of me regrets coming back.

Dubai changed me in ways that I wasn't expecting and I'm just starting to really understand and feel the full effect of it all.  For one, my career means so much less to me than it did before.  So much of my self worth, esteem, and fulfillment used to be derived from my career.  I gave it my time, my focus, and my twenties.  It gave me a sense of purpose and belonging, a nice paycheck too.  But in Dubai all that disappeared and I was forced to find meaning and happiness on different terms.  It wasn't easy (see here) but I apparently did it.  Because now that I have my old life back (and more) ...and it's no longer anywhere near enough.

If you're a coworker and you're reading this...surpriiiiiise.

Even though I'm not particularly jazzed about my current situation, that's not to say that I wouldn't do it again.  Financial freedom is very important to me and it's something worth striving for - it's the only reason I came back.  And even though I carved out a new way of life and a new sense of meaning over there, it doesn't mean I am 100% free to live it (yet).  I am still beholden to the world I made for myself before the move, and there are obligations to be met.  So yeah - it wasn't the culture shock, the distance from loved ones, or even my career.  I came back for cold, hard, cash.

Being here without Steven is harder than I expected.  I thought I was used to being alone, and goodness knows I've moved to far away places by myself so many times before.  It was always exciting and full of promise, and even when it was difficult I felt like I was in the right place at the right time.  But this time, my soul has a mate and I've left him half a world away and it doesn't feel right and it doesn't feel timely.  I know it's temporary, and that we'll in a good spot when this is all over, and that I'm fortunate to even have the opportunities in front of me.  But even knowing all that, and even while feeling grateful for it, it's still a struggle to convince myself this is all worth it.

But aside from the existential crisis, I'm okay.  I'm working on digging myself out of this hole (or whatever it is), but it's not like I'm super sad and crying all the time.  Instead it's an oddly subtle and quiet feeling of general apathy that permeates everything, everyday.  And I can't (and don't want to) shake it.  Somehow I know this is feeling/understanding is important and not something I should sweep under the rug.  Sven and I are on the cusp of something life-changing and we just need to keep steady and see it through.  In the meantime, that means I take responsibility for own happiness in both the big and small scale.  And to remind myself of the simple truths I learned in Dubai.

So, in short - I'm changing but I'm okay.  It isn't easy, but like that old saying goes, "Nothing worth having ever is."  Things are moving, shaking, and happening - and it's all new territory for me.

So for now, it's just a different kind of struggle - one where I find meaningful (enough) pursuits to prevent the wallowing, stay on track to meet my financial goals so I can be freeeeeee, and keep my love moving forward across the globe while we wait for each other.

Everyday we Movin'

It's been so very long.  I've thought about writing here several times of the last year+ but it's been a struggle to make the time.  It feels like so much as happened and it's difficult to just pick back up as if things are even close to the same as when I last wrote.  I re-read those posts now and am mostly struck by how much I still agree with my thoughts on motherhood and it's wonders, but also how blissfully unaware I was of the struggles that lay just a few months ahead.

Last January (2021), we hit a small milestone - 5 years since our UAE adventure began.  (Remember this?)  In relative terms, that's most of our marriage and longer than I've lived anywhere else in my adult life (or been tied to since I technically recused myself for 18 months to work in Seattle).  And without getting too detailed about the ups/downs of expat life or the reasons we ultimately decided to leave -- in April 2021 we moved to San Francisco with a new life in mind. 

And now we've been in San Francisco for 10 months (but I'll call it a year).  I wish I could say it's been peaceful and easy to move, settle into my new job, navigate this new city (in a pandemic!), and learn new work-baby-balancing acts...but it definitely has not.  This period has been so full of struggle, and conflict, and just plain everyday suffering that it's probably been the most difficult time of my adult life.  And because our life is so intertwined (and who/how I am), a difficult time for me also means a difficult time for Sven.

how I mostly handled 2021

this too

The year brought so many hiccups and unexpected small miseries, each whittling away at the basic comforts and daily sense of balance and calm that I've built over the last few years.  But the biggest and most lasting shock was the toll of adding outside work to my stack of daily/weekly/monthly/lifelong responsibilities.  Don't misunderstand -- being a mother is still every bit as wonderful and love-drenched as it ever was.  But being a mother and and and AND AND AND is what really got me.  It was completely de-stabilizing and I wasn't prepared to feel like I was drowning every moment of every day, in all things personal and professional.  And in general, metaphorical drowning is not a state of being I handle particularly well.  

This time I also felt the oh-so-heavy and sharp pangs of regret over leaving our peaceful and comfortable life in the UAE, which didn't help my ability to navigate the present.  For the first 6, 7, 8 months, I was in a stress loop of trying to figuring out how to wear all the hats and be all the things and do all the tasks...but I couldn't.  And the fact that I couldn't caused me so much general misery, and stress, and crying (like a lot A LOT). 

I didn't have anyone to sedate me, but in hindsight it probably would have helped

Around September/October, I had just enough clarity between the endless barrage of things to do and hyperventilating (barely) to figure out that my misery loop was an internal stress alarm caused by 2 things: 1) the absolutely unsustainable level of effort I was putting into daily life, and 2) San Francisco is not the right place for our family right now.  The post is a very meandering way to get to #2.  This city - rich in culture and art and $12 loaves of bread - is just not working for us (and by us I mean me).  By this time we all know that Steven is pretty much always fine.  

how he feels about San Francisco

But I've come to realize that living in San Francisco requires so many trade-offs on a daily/weekly level that make my life harder or more difficult.  And you really have to *want* what this city offers to make these changes worth it.  And for me, it just doesn't balance out.  So continuing to make the daily, weekly, monthly trade-offs/extra effort has been a painful process. 

So Steven, being the caring and cooperative life partner he always is (I mean that with zero snark or sarcasm), has gone through the steps to procure a relocation from his work.  Luckily for us, the only possible location that he could 'transfer' to was the Seattle metro area, which we already know we enjoy. And since I can work from anywhere, there's no reason to stay.

me as soon as Steven's relocation was approved

So in just 2 shorts weeks, we move again.

optimism optimism optimism

Oh and that other thing about trying to do way too many things...we'll talk about that later.  Maybe.