WE HAVE FIRE

Last week, Steven called our maintenance company for probably the 6th or 7th time, but time he used his "Dad voice" and asked how many times we had to call about the same thing before getting it fixed. 

And voila! The very next day our gas detector got replaced.

Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that the simplest (or seemingly so) things can make such a big difference. And while I'm grateful for so many things lately, this is definitely somewhere near the top.

Exactly how I feel every time it works without having to stand on a chair every 2-3 mins

We can be Both

The house is quiet today but my mind and heart are so full of so many things. I don't have the right words yet but I want to document this while the feelings are still fresh. Similar to the way I felt after our France trip last year, I want to remember this swirl of heart stirs and thoughts before the pace of daily life has a chance to dull them/me.

Last week, we flew to the states to say goodbye to a very dear friend who departed too soon. His passing was very sudden, disorienting, and heartbreaking. But this isn't a post about our loss or grief - we're going to navigate those murky waters in private. Suffice it to say that Steven will have a Shawn-shaped hole in his heart forever. And I mourn that hole in my lover's heart, along with all the times I squandered the opportunity to know and love Shawn as well as I could have.

Someone once told me there are only a handful of major life events that merit a big show of love: a wedding, a birth, a life saved, and a life lost. And last week held true to that statement - somehow amidst the tears and sadness there was also a quiet and large demonstration of love. Love from everyone who dropped their busy lives to bid their old friend farewell. Love for Katie, who now outlives him, as friends and family supported her grief (or tried to in our awkward and inexperienced ways) and reassured her that Shawn made a difference in our lives and would never be forgotten. And the big, big love that radiated from Katie for her departed, with nowhere to go other than poured into the people and pursuits he loved. The beauty and sadness of this duality made my heart fracture and swell at the same time, and I felt like I understood something deep and inherent about our nature as human beings.

This ability to be both (or three, or four, or all things) helped me see the complexity, and hope, and capacity for more within us. Our hearts and lives are not bounded; they can grow and expand and do somersaults, if we let them. To be utterly heartbroken yet still able to smile, to be angry at the circumstances but tender with those around us, and to mourn the loss of one while also preparing to welcome another - those are good things worth keeping. And while I know these slices exist in every corner of every day - I haven't noticed or felt them as keenly as I do right now. Just thinking about it now makes me very achey in the chest but grateful everywhere else.

This life is precious because of the love we have for others and our vast ability to act on it.

Abu Dhabi Life: 2 months

It's been 2 months (+/- a few days) since I moved back to the UAE to be with Steven. In all, we spent 18 months/569 days living apart and even though we're not strangers to long distance, neither one of us is keen on doing it again anytime soon. This was our 4th bout of long distance in the last ~10 years and I don't know if it was the specific circumstances, our old(er) age, how much closer/more bonded we were after winging it in Dubai the previous year, or just the longer length of time - but it was the pits. So we're not going to be doing that again for a long while, hopefully ever.

But happily, the time here has flown by really quickly. I'm not even sure where to start with this post but I'm just going to posit that I have only trace amounts of culture shock this time around.

Steven isn't here right now so he can't disagree with that last statement.

I've been sitting here patiently expecting to feel the familiar WTF IS THIS culture shock/chaos that was rampant last time. But it hasn't really shown up and I'm not sure if it's just a delayed start, or if re-entry is just going to be smoother. When I think about it though, it makes sense that this time would be easier.

A quick recap since I know my posts have been sporadic and a little thin on details for a while: When we first moved to Dubai a couple years ago, every circumstance was more difficult (see here if you missed my long and emotional rants). We were new to the UAE and didn't know how anything worked or what to expect, which made it feel me really unstable. And our first house/villa didn't feel like a comfortable place since it was either almost empty (in the beginning), flooded (okay, that was just for a few hours), without running water (three separate times!), etc.  And it didn't help that we were also trying to sell our Gig Harbor house, a bit anti-social, and I was a ball of pure stress (that's just how I get sometimes). 

A day in the life (sometimes).

So it was kind of doomed to be difficult. But even so, it was still a great experience and the closeness that Sven and I achieved is the stuff (my) dreams are made of. Plus, the travel opportunities were pretty great. But I really felt like I had unfinished business in my work/my professional life, and it haunted me enough that I decided to move back to the states alone. I ended up regretting that solo move about 6 months in, but c'est la vie. We had committed to meeting some goals together and at that point it didn't make sense not to see it through. And once those goals were met, it didn't make sense to be apart.  But instead of Steven moving back to the US to join me, we changed our minds and I came back to the UAE instead.

And now I'm back here, this time in Abu Dhabi rather than Dubai. So far everything is the same in terms of what I remember of the culture, the weather, the rules, expat life, etc. But this time I feel very different - probably because Sven and I are in a different place in our marriage/life. I'm sure it also helps that we're in more comfortable digs and Steven has become so knowledgeable about how things work here. But I also think the time apart changed our perspectives and deepened our appreciation for one another in a way that's hopefully lasting.  It's really cheesy but I wake every morning grateful we get to be together this day and the next, without a plane to catch that'll take us one of us a world away. And while that feeling might eventually fade and be replaced by the mundane everyday rituals, for now the warm and fuzzy feeling still permeates my everyday. So in the present it's hard to get worked up about a non-working toilet, slightly too-warm rooms, or two flat tires in 2 weeks (yep, that happened).  Well, hard for me to get worked up - Steve is his own person.  ;)

He especially loves when I say this in response to one of those issues.

All joking aside though, I'm really content with where I am right now. I didn't end up bringing my job with me (last minute wrench), but I'm pretty pleased with how things worked out anyway. My days now are much slower paced and most of the time nothing very exciting is happening. I'm just a housewife (according to my visa), cooking up a storm, reading a bunch of books, and filling herself back up with all the things she once wanted to do/be/embody. It's boring but awesome and grounding in a way I can't quite describe yet. With each passing day I can feel the angst, the pressure, the competition, and the stress fading away as I slowly replace it with all the things I love and still want to embrace in the years to come. One day, one meal, one book, and one decision at a time.

I don't know what the upcoming months and years have in store, but that's okay because it no longer eats at me. And that, my dear ones, is the point.

Dubai Life: Everyday Adventure

When people back home find out that we've moved to Dubai, one of the first things they usually say is "Wow! What an adventure!"  Which of course, was exactly what we thought when we decided to come here.  But really, I had no idea what that actually meant.  

And now, every day/week I feel like I am living that statement.  The travel opportunities are fantastic, but the *real* adventure of moving over here seems to be rooted in living with so much unfamiliarity and unpredictability.  There are so many instances where our previous experience/common knowledge simply does not apply.  And so we have to start over and learn everything again, one task at a time.  It pushes us beyond our comfort zones, teaches us new things about each other/ourselves/everyone else, provides fresh lessons on humility, and is a huge exercise in patience.  But most of all, it's made me more grateful.  As Em from one of my favorite blogs (Today's Letters) often says, "Gratitude makes everything enough."

I couldn't agree with her more. 

So, because I'm feeling all thankful and gushy, here's a short list of what I'm grateful for lately:

Sven got a second opinion on his car from the Volvo dealer, and they fixed it for $54 instead of the many thousands we were quoted by the first mechanic.  

After 6 days of no running water, the water pump has finally been replaced!  While I am oddly proud of us for hanging in there, let's just say I am really happy it's back on.  I won't take running water for granted again, like ever.

This guy, a million times over.  In 17 years he's only ever been extraordinarily kind to me.  Right now, this minute - he came all the way downstairs to deal with a spider that is 2 feet away from me.  I'm so grateful that he still likes me and that we still got it.