Culture shock - oh yeah, I've got it. I would say it's moderate and I definitely admit to getting frustrated and shedding some tears like, once a week (apparently that's how I deal). To be fair it's not entirely specific to Dubai, and more about how I turned my entire life upside-down rather quickly. It's hard to describe what it feels like but being a big empty house (no furniture) with the entire day ahead of me, nowhere to go (no driver's license or car yet), nothing interesting to do (no job and as happy as I am with the new washer, washing clothes is not very interesting), and no one to share it with (Steve's at work and PB's conversation is limited) has been challenging. But if we're being honest, it's mostly because I'm not working.
But why? Even before we moved I started asking myself what the point of my days were and whether I was living a full life. I've spent the last ~10 years diligently cultivating my professional identity, to the point where I thought it was the same as my personal identity. I spent 75-80% of my waking hours working (or doing work-related things), and the rest of my time trying to recover from it just so I could do it again. I didn't really pursue hobbies, I haven't tried to make new friends since LA (although I am extremely grateful for the few I have made by accident), I wasn't consistently exercising, and I pretty much stopped learning new things unless they were related to work. The only non-work things I devoted any effort to were Sven and Phoebe, and if we're being really honest I think they got the remnants of my day, not the best of it. It was a dangerous mistake to make, but it seems so familiar to many of us. And because I was successful at work, I let myself believe that I was living well.
But was I really?
Now that work is on hiatus, what am I left with? Who am I, and what can I do (or know or offer) that isn't related to sitting in an office for 10+ hours a day? The cold hard truth - not as much as I'd hoped.
So that's why it's been so hard. I voluntarily turned myself into an empty shell-of-a-person (okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic) and now I have to put in the work to make myself whole again. And sometimes that's scary...I feel so untethered in a new and unfamiliar way that really has nothing to do with location. But then I remember we are in Dubai (OMG!), and why, and it helps ground my inner panic. I'm still committed to the reasons we made this life change. This break is necessary for me, and comes at the perfect time (and really the only time) to re-center myself, get back to healthy, and break the stress cycle. (Haha, but first lemme stress about not being able to de-stress!) There are interests and pursuits I've wanted to explore for so long, but never made the time because I always worked more instead. And now they're just sitting there waiting for me...I just have to choose to pick them up.
So this is my new reality. I'm going to experience, and learn, and explore things just because I like them, and keep my boundaries growing. I'll stop reading job descriptions every day that say "Must be willing to work beyond normal hours and work well in challenging circumstances with strong personalities." That's the same kind of thinking that got me here. (Today is day 1 for that count.) I'll go to the gym and sweat off 10 years of desk-life. Read a fiction book just to enjoy the story. Take Phoebe somewhere she can play like the crazy she is (because she needs it, too). Learn all that stuff I've always been curious about, just because I'm interested enough. Embrace my inner grandma and make a quilt.
And in my moments of self-doubt, it's helpful to know we're not the only ones who think this upheaval is worth it. And that even the people I admire have struggled to rekindle their non-professional identities. My friend Jon, recently wrote this about his own 6-month break, and it was exactly what I need to hear/read:
Over the last 6 months, I have been enjoying an incredible luxury. The luxury of time and space to learn about myself.
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Of course, there were times when it was all still incredibly scary. It’s amazing how much of your professional identity imprints onto your personal identity. Without that piece present, it can be very easy to get lost and feel defeated.
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I now find myself feeling incredibly excited about the present. We have decided to take on a grand experiment. To continue spending more time in new places and trying new passions. To learn more about ourselves and the world around us. To continue to live unconventionally. To become location independent. We are embracing the fact that technology allows for miraculous situations these days.
And so, I'm feeling inspired and starting a new chapter. I call it "making myself well-rounded again" but my ever-candid and eloquently gifted husband might call it "time to fix yo' self."
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| What I do |
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| What Steve says |
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| What Steve really wants to say |
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| Yep |
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