Booked: Southern France

Tonight is Sven's last night in Seattle(ish) after spending 2 weeks here with Phoebe and I.  Needless to say, we've all got the feels.

But it's a little easier knowing we'll be together again next month -- in France!

We booked a 3-day cooking class/wine trip near Bordeaux last summer (which feels like a lifetime ago) and I've been anxiously awaiting its arrival.  We had no idea when we booked that we'd be living oceans apart, and the timing is kind of horrendous for work, but whatever.  I'm excited and I can't wait to cook and eat all the delicious food, drink all the wine, see the chateaus, and stumble through French words with hopeless pronunciation -- all with Steven.

We can be Both

The house is quiet today but my mind and heart are so full of so many things. I don't have the right words yet but I want to document this while the feelings are still fresh. Similar to the way I felt after our France trip last year, I want to remember this swirl of heart stirs and thoughts before the pace of daily life has a chance to dull them/me.

Last week, we flew to the states to say goodbye to a very dear friend who departed too soon. His passing was very sudden, disorienting, and heartbreaking. But this isn't a post about our loss or grief - we're going to navigate those murky waters in private. Suffice it to say that Steven will have a Shawn-shaped hole in his heart forever. And I mourn that hole in my lover's heart, along with all the times I squandered the opportunity to know and love Shawn as well as I could have.

Someone once told me there are only a handful of major life events that merit a big show of love: a wedding, a birth, a life saved, and a life lost. And last week held true to that statement - somehow amidst the tears and sadness there was also a quiet and large demonstration of love. Love from everyone who dropped their busy lives to bid their old friend farewell. Love for Katie, who now outlives him, as friends and family supported her grief (or tried to in our awkward and inexperienced ways) and reassured her that Shawn made a difference in our lives and would never be forgotten. And the big, big love that radiated from Katie for her departed, with nowhere to go other than poured into the people and pursuits he loved. The beauty and sadness of this duality made my heart fracture and swell at the same time, and I felt like I understood something deep and inherent about our nature as human beings.

This ability to be both (or three, or four, or all things) helped me see the complexity, and hope, and capacity for more within us. Our hearts and lives are not bounded; they can grow and expand and do somersaults, if we let them. To be utterly heartbroken yet still able to smile, to be angry at the circumstances but tender with those around us, and to mourn the loss of one while also preparing to welcome another - those are good things worth keeping. And while I know these slices exist in every corner of every day - I haven't noticed or felt them as keenly as I do right now. Just thinking about it now makes me very achey in the chest but grateful everywhere else.

This life is precious because of the love we have for others and our vast ability to act on it.

Living Apart: 417 Days

I came back to live in the states and go back to work on November 17th, 2016.  That means Steven and I have been doing this distance marriage thing for 417 days.

FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DAYS, PEOPLE.

We've each had our ups and downs, and luckily never at the same time so we can offer each other moral support. And I was more or less fine for the most of the year.

I was exhausted and half-numb from trying to get used to 60+ hour work weeks again and 2 new jobs (I switched companies 6 months in). But all things considered I compartmentalized relatively well.

Or at least I thought I was considering the circumstances. I managed to hold it together at work (which was a useful distraction from the nothingness at home) but not much else. Seriously, I did nothing else (remember this post from March and this one from April?).

Our visits and trips got us through the year. We saw each other five times last year and each one was more blissful than the last.

But each one was also followed by a fairly harsh 'coming down' period and another roller coaster of feelings. But after each one I eventually re-compartmentalized myself.

And then we went to France in the beginning of October and that made all the difference. Every empty and hollow feeling I had was replaced with reminders of what I value, who and what I am, and the life I want to lead. It was wonderful.

And when I came back, I was different. Something happened in my head/heart and I just couldn't put myself back together in quite the same way as before.

I think being that happy and fulfilled made pretending afterwards a bit of a joke. But I still had my job and that innate/sometimes self-defeating desire to do well at it, and we still had goals that made sense. So when I went back to work it was coupled with a harsher sense of the trade-offs, but also at least some determination to see it through for a while longer.

And then things at work deteriorated. The hours got longer, behavior got uglier, and it was decently miserable. A handful of people quit and I was proud of them for knowing themselves and their boundaries, but also more aware of the ridiculous trade-off I was making to be there.

But of course, I know what's wrong with me. I just keep doing what I'm doing anyway.

I slid back into the numbness of work work work, long distance calls in the middle of the night to Steven, and sleeping just a handful of hours. Rinse, repeat.

And then Thanksgiving rolled around and I just couldn't hold it together after that, at least not really. I finally cried about this whole thing, and then I couldn't really stop.

So naturally, I tried coping with it by cutting myself some bangs at 2am on a weeknight. And while I love the bangs (really, I do), of course it didn't work.

And I've been hobbling along like a wounded bird ever since.

Aaaaand I'm back at work tomorrow.

Travel: France in Fall - sneak peek

I'm savoring every last memory, new friend, and photo from this trip. When I came back my heart was so full and my head so grounded and I really want to hold on to that for as long as possible. So I've been reminding myself of the goodness I felt every day since coming back.

One of those good things was being forced - partly by the lack of cellular, partly/gently by Sven - to unplug entirely from work and random web distractions. I still took a few snaps and shared a couple things online during the trip, but it was fairly sporadic. If you follow my Snap (heathmo.grizz) or IG (@oohheather) you may have noticed the sound of crickets. In the moments it was a combination of being too interested in the activity or company to bother, and during the lulls I was intentionally trying to break my habitual and half-hearted phone patterns. I'm trying to be more fully present in my real life by doing more outside of work, giving people and pursuits my full attention, and taking fewer meaningless photos (it just becomes mind clutter). Sometimes that means I end up not sharing anything at all (ahem, silent blog), and sometimes it means I'm sharing long after the time has passed. But in the constant struggle to re-prioritize and re-time my life, it's helping me.

But anyway, here's a smattering of photos for a sneak peek.  They're not the best photos - some are blurry and I haven't really edited them.  But I'm less concerned about that than I used to be.  The moment is shared because it was lovely and I cherished it.  And that can be enough.

Our Airbnb for the first week - a charming house in the middle of all the vineyards (and fog).

So much goodness.  And blurry, but whatev.

In Paris I couldn't resist getting a variety from the markets.  We ate it just like this - picking at it with our fingers from a towel spread on our hotel bed.  It was marvelous.  Clockwise from top - figs, semi-dried tomatoes, butter (is life), tinned octopus, bresaola (air-dried, salted beef), baguette, magret de canard (smoked Moulard duck), grapes.

Our last dinner of the trip.  Clockwise from top - foie gras, roasted peppers, chorizo, herbed goat cheese, roasted & herbed mushrooms, large shrimp (eaten peeled), small brown shrimp (eaten whole), whelks (boiled in broth and eaten by plucking meat out of the shell). Not pictured - baguette and wine!

Photo taken by our new friend Liz.  Check her out on IG @lizzylinder

Booked: Cyprus in 2 weeks!

One of the best things about living in the UAE is its physical location - there are countless places we've never been within a few short hours (by plane).

I stumbled on some airfare to Cyprus that was just too good to pass up.  So we're going for 5 days! Lately we've really enjoyed keeping our trips more flexible, and road tripping through the picturesque locations.  It worked really really for us in Croatia and France, so we're sticking to that format for Cyprus too.

We've got our plane tickets, a car, and Phoebe is confirmed for boarding. That's pretty much all we need these days.

Image courtesy of PDX International Studies

Fresh Face, Fun Mornings

I stopped wearing makeup...like, any at all.  I've gone about my life (including work!) for 2 whole weeks completely bare-faced, and it's really impacting the way I see/feel about myself.

A couple years ago, I started noticing that lots of the women I know and work with were ditching makeup and going au naturale.  And at the time my only thought was:

But in Dubai I had a lot more time for introspection. I knew I wasn't confident enough to feel completely at ease without makeup, and I didn't like that about myself.  But for various reasons, Dubai is not the kindest place to suddenly stop wearing makeup in public. So while I continued my inner dialogue about my self esteem, I was still going through my morning makeup routine.  

Fast forward nearly 2 years later, and I'm in a different place - mentally, emotionally, and globally.  I've done a lot of work to be a more "whole" person, and to feel content and happy with all the other parts of myself.  And long story short, our recent France trip was just the push I needed.  The trip uplifted me in such amazing ways - most importantly, reinforcing that I am enough, just as I am.

I know that's an incredibly simple statement, but it's a powerful one too. And these days, I'm really feeling it and am trying to live by it. So 2 Fridays ago, I stopped wearing makeup. I know that I don't need it, and I was willing to push myself to really get comfortable showing everyone what I am without it. 

So I did it and it's been two whole weeks.  And you guyyyyyyyyyys - it's amazing!  

One interesting and awesome side effect is that my mornings have been soooo much better. Logistically, I get an extra 20 mins each morning and I am fully utilizing it for a little extra sleep, or to sit and peacefully drink my coffee before leaving for work. And throughout the day, I feel so liberated and confident about being totally bare-faced. But what I didn't expect was how much happier my mornings would feel - it's like a mini party every time I remember I don't have to put on makeup. It's a fantastic way to start to my day. 

The end. (i.e. it's past my bedtime).

Travel: Medoc, remembered

I haven't stopped thinking about our trip to France trip since October. And while I think a lot about what we did and saw and ate (and drank!), I mostly remember what it taught me. I keep turning those thoughts over and over again in my mind, reconciling the ways it changed me with the way I live now. And since the New Year is often a great time for reflection, it seemed a good time to share as well.

When we booked it forever ago, I was just hoping for a fun and romantic diversion with interesting people, great food, and less hot weather (we were still in Dubai). I had no idea Steven and I would be living a world apart, that I would be back to the grind at work, and that it would be quite so deafening. How could I have possibly known, over a year in advance, how much I would need this trip and what it would do to me when it was finally experienced?

There are so many things I learned and saw for the first time, and so many moments where the quiet appreciation left me speechless. Maybe that's why it's been so hard to blog about - I don't have the words to do it justice. But really, the power of this trip was how much (and how beautifully) it reminded me of wisdom temporarily forgotten - the joys of simplicity, the love in everyday things and people, and that it's a damn shame if we never get to live the life we want.

I found this in a blog draft I wrote shortly afterwards, but never posted:

This trip was so grounding, fulfilling, and clarifying. I came back feeling at peace with myself and our life, and my heart is fuller and gentler than it's been all year (and probably longer). It's been a while since I've been able to clear my head and see through all my distractions. It given me the pause to re-align my life priorities (my whole life, not just today or next year), and remind myself of who I am and who I still want to be. It's intensely private, or at least personal, but I'm putting these fragments here because I also recognize how easily lost this kind of clarity is. I know I'll need the reminder.

Thanks self. Reminder appreciated.

Fishing the traditional French way, near St. Christoly

Sisters. Meeting these two made me love mine harder and appreciate the reasons people have babies to begin with.

In the center of St. Christoly with a wonderful group of people. (Not pictured - a baguette vending machine!)

*sigh*