Lately: Oh Lover, I'm Lost

This song has been on my playlist for almost 10 years. It never felt personal until now.

Lately: Rain and Reading

Lately, some of my happiest moments look just like this.

Little Things

Sometimes, maybe even most times, life is a lot simpler than we (I?) make it. Today, I slowed way down and just filled my day with quiet and simple pleasures. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Today that was: 

1. enjoying an entire pot of carefully made coffee,
2. spoiling PB with a few too many prosciutto trimmings,
3. finishing a book I couldn't put down,
4. making homemade pumpkin bread,
5. pulling up purple radishes I left unchecked in the garden, 
6. staring at my peachy-pink roses and living lettuce for like 10 minutes (yep, that happened), 
7. making my my own blend of hand-ground spices,
8. roasting veggies that were generously covered with above spices, 
9. reminiscing over photos of Sven and I from 10+ years ago, and
10. getting in bed in the middle of the afternoon to enjoy the warmth of fresh from the dryer bedding.

It was a good day.

Living Apart: 417 Days

I came back to live in the states and go back to work on November 17th, 2016.  That means Steven and I have been doing this distance marriage thing for 417 days.

FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DAYS, PEOPLE.

We've each had our ups and downs, and luckily never at the same time so we can offer each other moral support. And I was more or less fine for the most of the year.

I was exhausted and half-numb from trying to get used to 60+ hour work weeks again and 2 new jobs (I switched companies 6 months in). But all things considered I compartmentalized relatively well.

Or at least I thought I was considering the circumstances. I managed to hold it together at work (which was a useful distraction from the nothingness at home) but not much else. Seriously, I did nothing else (remember this post from March and this one from April?).

Our visits and trips got us through the year. We saw each other five times last year and each one was more blissful than the last.

But each one was also followed by a fairly harsh 'coming down' period and another roller coaster of feelings. But after each one I eventually re-compartmentalized myself.

And then we went to France in the beginning of October and that made all the difference. Every empty and hollow feeling I had was replaced with reminders of what I value, who and what I am, and the life I want to lead. It was wonderful.

And when I came back, I was different. Something happened in my head/heart and I just couldn't put myself back together in quite the same way as before.

I think being that happy and fulfilled made pretending afterwards a bit of a joke. But I still had my job and that innate/sometimes self-defeating desire to do well at it, and we still had goals that made sense. So when I went back to work it was coupled with a harsher sense of the trade-offs, but also at least some determination to see it through for a while longer.

And then things at work deteriorated. The hours got longer, behavior got uglier, and it was decently miserable. A handful of people quit and I was proud of them for knowing themselves and their boundaries, but also more aware of the ridiculous trade-off I was making to be there.

But of course, I know what's wrong with me. I just keep doing what I'm doing anyway.

I slid back into the numbness of work work work, long distance calls in the middle of the night to Steven, and sleeping just a handful of hours. Rinse, repeat.

And then Thanksgiving rolled around and I just couldn't hold it together after that, at least not really. I finally cried about this whole thing, and then I couldn't really stop.

So naturally, I tried coping with it by cutting myself some bangs at 2am on a weeknight. And while I love the bangs (really, I do), of course it didn't work.

And I've been hobbling along like a wounded bird ever since.

Aaaaand I'm back at work tomorrow.

Travel: Medoc, remembered

I haven't stopped thinking about our trip to France trip since October. And while I think a lot about what we did and saw and ate (and drank!), I mostly remember what it taught me. I keep turning those thoughts over and over again in my mind, reconciling the ways it changed me with the way I live now. And since the New Year is often a great time for reflection, it seemed a good time to share as well.

When we booked it forever ago, I was just hoping for a fun and romantic diversion with interesting people, great food, and less hot weather (we were still in Dubai). I had no idea Steven and I would be living a world apart, that I would be back to the grind at work, and that it would be quite so deafening. How could I have possibly known, over a year in advance, how much I would need this trip and what it would do to me when it was finally experienced?

There are so many things I learned and saw for the first time, and so many moments where the quiet appreciation left me speechless. Maybe that's why it's been so hard to blog about - I don't have the words to do it justice. But really, the power of this trip was how much (and how beautifully) it reminded me of wisdom temporarily forgotten - the joys of simplicity, the love in everyday things and people, and that it's a damn shame if we never get to live the life we want.

I found this in a blog draft I wrote shortly afterwards, but never posted:

This trip was so grounding, fulfilling, and clarifying. I came back feeling at peace with myself and our life, and my heart is fuller and gentler than it's been all year (and probably longer). It's been a while since I've been able to clear my head and see through all my distractions. It given me the pause to re-align my life priorities (my whole life, not just today or next year), and remind myself of who I am and who I still want to be. It's intensely private, or at least personal, but I'm putting these fragments here because I also recognize how easily lost this kind of clarity is. I know I'll need the reminder.

Thanks self. Reminder appreciated.

Fishing the traditional French way, near St. Christoly

Sisters. Meeting these two made me love mine harder and appreciate the reasons people have babies to begin with.

In the center of St. Christoly with a wonderful group of people. (Not pictured - a baguette vending machine!)

*sigh*

Here's to 2018

It's New Year's Day and I am cooking yummy things, perusing my holiday road trip photos, researching things I want to learn, and comforting my crazy dog in her never-ending war against the squirrels.  Each of these things make me happy (except the squirrels - that shit sucks) and they're helping to compartmentalize the Steven-shaped hole in my heart.

Over the holidays almost all of you asked questions about our plans for this year (and beyond).  Each year we get the same questions and every year we answer similarly: we're working towards a couple big goals together and the rest is meh. We don't know how long Steven is going to stay in the UAE or if/when we'll have kids. We don't know what career choices he'll make when he comes back. We don't know if/when we'll buy another house. We don't know where we'll finally choose to "settle" or if we'll ever really do that. And we really don't mind the questions (you're curious and you care) but I think our "we don't know" answer really perplexes both our families.

I know you all think we're really weird (and we are). Our life doesn't look the same as most others and we can't tell you where it will be in 5 years, 10 years, or when we're 60. And we're cool with that. What I can tell you is that we have a strong commitment to each other and creating the life we both really want -- each and every day. For the most part, that means creating the opportunities we each want the most as we learn those parts of ourselves/each other, embracing the spontaneous ones that come our way, and giving ourselves/each other the room to change. The rest...we'll just have to see.

F. Scott Fitzgerald put a similar(ish) sentiment in his story, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and right now it's the best explanation that comes to mind (plus, I love this snippet):

For whatever it's worth: it's never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be.  There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Paraphrased in gif-land as:

But, it's New Years Day and I feel like proclaiming!  So may 2018 be the year that:

1. Steven and I start living under the same roof again,
2. I embrace the things that scare me about starting something new, 
3. I read all the books I'm longing for,
4. I balance all my cooking inspirations with not having 10,000 random ingredients on hand all the time, and
5. Phoebe makes peace with all the squirrels (highly unlikely).

Not exactly resolutions but more like a combination of "THIS SHALL BE" (No. 1), "I would like this and will probably prioritize my life as such" (No. 2 & 3), "I don't really care about this but Steven has been asking and he has a very valid point and I like him a lot" (No. 4), and pure fantasy (No. 5).

Happy New Year.  Love you.