Checking in - I'm still alive

I'm still alive...just not particularly motivated to do much of anything these days, including blogging.  I know that's basically what I say in all my posts lately, but meh.

A couple of you have sent messages asking if I'm still alive/okay/above water.  And the short answer is yes.  But it depends on how much you want to know, and whether you really mean the question you're asking.  Since we're all friends here (and I don't think I can or want to explain this more than a couple times), I'm just going to come right out with it.

A big part of me regrets coming back.

Dubai changed me in ways that I wasn't expecting and I'm just starting to really understand and feel the full effect of it all.  For one, my career means so much less to me than it did before.  So much of my self worth, esteem, and fulfillment used to be derived from my career.  I gave it my time, my focus, and my twenties.  It gave me a sense of purpose and belonging, a nice paycheck too.  But in Dubai all that disappeared and I was forced to find meaning and happiness on different terms.  It wasn't easy (see here) but I apparently did it.  Because now that I have my old life back (and more) ...and it's no longer anywhere near enough.

If you're a coworker and you're reading this...surpriiiiiise.

Even though I'm not particularly jazzed about my current situation, that's not to say that I wouldn't do it again.  Financial freedom is very important to me and it's something worth striving for - it's the only reason I came back.  And even though I carved out a new way of life and a new sense of meaning over there, it doesn't mean I am 100% free to live it (yet).  I am still beholden to the world I made for myself before the move, and there are obligations to be met.  So yeah - it wasn't the culture shock, the distance from loved ones, or even my career.  I came back for cold, hard, cash.

Being here without Steven is harder than I expected.  I thought I was used to being alone, and goodness knows I've moved to far away places by myself so many times before.  It was always exciting and full of promise, and even when it was difficult I felt like I was in the right place at the right time.  But this time, my soul has a mate and I've left him half a world away and it doesn't feel right and it doesn't feel timely.  I know it's temporary, and that we'll in a good spot when this is all over, and that I'm fortunate to even have the opportunities in front of me.  But even knowing all that, and even while feeling grateful for it, it's still a struggle to convince myself this is all worth it.

But aside from the existential crisis, I'm okay.  I'm working on digging myself out of this hole (or whatever it is), but it's not like I'm super sad and crying all the time.  Instead it's an oddly subtle and quiet feeling of general apathy that permeates everything, everyday.  And I can't (and don't want to) shake it.  Somehow I know this is feeling/understanding is important and not something I should sweep under the rug.  Sven and I are on the cusp of something life-changing and we just need to keep steady and see it through.  In the meantime, that means I take responsibility for own happiness in both the big and small scale.  And to remind myself of the simple truths I learned in Dubai.

So, in short - I'm changing but I'm okay.  It isn't easy, but like that old saying goes, "Nothing worth having ever is."  Things are moving, shaking, and happening - and it's all new territory for me.

So for now, it's just a different kind of struggle - one where I find meaningful (enough) pursuits to prevent the wallowing, stay on track to meet my financial goals so I can be freeeeeee, and keep my love moving forward across the globe while we wait for each other.