Late to 2019

First: Happy 2019!

Second: I've been here EIGHT MONTHS!??? 

Steve and I used to play a game where I could accurately guess the time (within a few minutes) at pretty much any moment of the day. From the moment I woke up to the moment I slept, I always knew the time. It was a fun trick I learned in childhood, but perhaps also an indication of how measured and meticulous my days have always been. 

Upon arriving in the UAE eight months ago, I simply turned off my internal stopwatch. Convenience aside, I wanted to know what it feels like to not to track every waking moment in the back of my brain. I assume it's a pretty normal (and only a tiny bit crazy) habit but I've been really trying to pare down on all the unnecessary brain buzzing in order to 1) focus on what's important, and 2) calm the F down. But that's the funny thing about ingrained habits - even when you want to it's hard to stop. I had to constantly remind myself to just enjoy the moments as they came without trying to count them, at whatever the hell time they occurred. And the result?

In short, it's different kind of life. One where I feel less controlled (in a good way), my brain is a little more free, my sleep is much more sound (sometimes I counted in my sleep), I never had any idea what time it is, and I'm late for way more things...like brunches, birthdays, and this post. 

But enough about my super weird habits that sound a hundred times worse when I put them in a blog post, it's time for New Years-ish things!

Let's take stock of the proclamations I made when I wrote this post at the beginning of 2018: 

1. Steven and I start living under the same roof again,    DONE!
2. I embrace all the things that scare me about starting something new,    I wouldn't say I've fully embraced all of it yet, but I'm pushing forward and starting something new in 2019. 
3. I read all the books I'm longing for,    I think my appetite for books will always exceed my ability to consume them, but I love that about reading. Last fall, I finally pushed through a mental roadblock and can finally read 'fun stuff' for hours at a time again. 
4. I balance all my cooking inspirations with not having 10,000 random ingredients on hand all the time, and    Ehhhh...I'd say 1/2 DONE (I have like 2 dozen items in my pantry right now where I'm like whyyyy?)
5. Phoebe makes peace with the all the squirrels (highly unlikely)    THIS IS THE SURPRISE WIN. Squirrels are not native to the UAE so we don't have any in our neighborhood. It's amaaaaaazing.

Dang, now I feel so accomplished, even if a tiny bit trivial.

Today, standing on the other side of 2018, the year feels bigger than I could have known going in.  Mostly, it was grounded in love - for better and for worse - in all it's humbling and terrible beauty. It's the year I put our marriage before my career and moved back to the UAE to mend our weary, long distance hearts. The year I finally practiced some long overdue self care, and in doing so realized I trusted Sven more than I ever thought possible. In many ways, it's another year where I learn how much lighter and brighter the road can be when it's shared. Yet also, forever the year our hearts broke in different, individual ways with Shawn's passing and then expanded and fractured in everything that came afterwards with and for Katie. 

In looking at the year ahead, I'm filled with so much excitement, and hope, and joy for things to still to come. For the first time since graduating college 10+ years ago, my year isn't scripted and I don't have an office with my name burned into it. It's thrilling and and a wee bit scary, but I'm so very full of optimism knowing that 2019 will be whatever Sven and I choose to make of it. 

Happy 2019 my loves.

*H