It's been so very long. I've thought about writing here several times of the last year+ but it's been a struggle to make the time. It feels like so much as happened and it's difficult to just pick back up as if things are even close to the same as when I last wrote. I re-read those posts now and am mostly struck by how much I still agree with my thoughts on motherhood and it's wonders, but also how blissfully unaware I was of the struggles that lay just a few months ahead.
And now we've been in San Francisco for 10 months (but I'll call it a year). I wish I could say it's been peaceful and easy to move, settle into my new job, navigate this new city (in a pandemic!), and learn new work-baby-balancing acts...but it definitely has not. This period has been so full of struggle, and conflict, and just plain everyday suffering that it's probably been the most difficult time of my adult life. And because our life is so intertwined (and who/how I am), a difficult time for me also means a difficult time for Sven.
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| how I mostly handled 2021 |
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| this too |
The year brought so many hiccups and unexpected small miseries, each whittling away at the basic comforts and daily sense of balance and calm that I've built over the last few years. But the biggest and most lasting shock was the toll of adding outside work to my stack of daily/weekly/monthly/lifelong responsibilities. Don't misunderstand -- being a mother is still every bit as wonderful and love-drenched as it ever was. But being a mother and and and AND AND AND is what really got me. It was completely de-stabilizing and I wasn't prepared to feel like I was drowning every moment of every day, in all things personal and professional. And in general, metaphorical drowning is not a state of being I handle particularly well.
This time I also felt the oh-so-heavy and sharp pangs of regret over leaving our peaceful and comfortable life in the UAE, which didn't help my ability to navigate the present. For the first 6, 7, 8 months, I was in a stress loop of trying to figuring out how to wear all the hats and be all the things and do all the tasks...but I couldn't. And the fact that I couldn't caused me so much general misery, and stress, and crying (like a lot A LOT).
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| I didn't have anyone to sedate me, but in hindsight it probably would have helped |
Around September/October, I had just enough clarity between the endless barrage of things to do and hyperventilating (barely) to figure out that my misery loop was an internal stress alarm caused by 2 things: 1) the absolutely unsustainable level of effort I was putting into daily life, and 2) San Francisco is not the right place for our family right now. The post is a very meandering way to get to #2. This city - rich in culture and art and $12 loaves of bread - is just not working for us (and by us I mean me). By this time we all know that Steven is pretty much always fine.
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| how he feels about San Francisco |
But I've come to realize that living in San Francisco requires so many trade-offs on a daily/weekly level that make my life harder or more difficult. And you really have to *want* what this city offers to make these changes worth it. And for me, it just doesn't balance out. So continuing to make the daily, weekly, monthly trade-offs/extra effort has been a painful process.
So Steven, being the caring and cooperative life partner he always is (I mean that with zero snark or sarcasm), has gone through the steps to procure a relocation from his work. Luckily for us, the only possible location that he could 'transfer' to was the Seattle metro area, which we already know we enjoy. And since I can work from anywhere, there's no reason to stay.
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| me as soon as Steven's relocation was approved |
So in just 2 shorts weeks, we move again.
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| optimism optimism optimism |
Oh and that other thing about trying to do way too many things...we'll talk about that later. Maybe.
